It’s a good thing I don’t have kids…

First of all, in the spirit of the new school year starting and seeing all of the “Back to school boogies” performed by overjoyed parents who look like they’ve just hit the lottery, I had to write this. Also, before everyone comes down on my head about that title, let me explain. Don’t get me wrong. Babies are blessings. Anyone that can have children and has children, have been blessed by God. So, I have nothing against the little ones, I just know my limitations.

Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it all before. It’s different when they are yours. Oh you will just know what to do when they are crying…it’s that motherly instinct that kicks in. Don’t worry, as long as you love them, they’ll turn out just fine. A lot of times people think I feel bad because I’ve never had kids. Trust me. I don’t. Why?

Well, I’ve found it particularly interesting in the conversation pieces I just listed above, that I’ve also received comments such as, “Don’t you want to take him home with you?” or “I don’t know what we were thinking,” out of those same people’s mouths. And I get it. It’s not that they don’t love their children (well, some may be on the fence) but it’s the fact that with children comes great responsibility. I shudder at the thought of changing diapers or having to restrain myself from punching someone for doing something to my kid. Really, it’s best for us all that I don’t have them. My child would end up bubble wrapped for most of its natural life and probably have some kind of nervous tic as much as I worry about things. Okay, so I’m a little overprotective.

Believe me, some people were born to be parents. They have wanted children their entire lives. Put a little piece of them with their mate and make this extraordinary creature that would turn out to be a great asset to the human race.

My character, Sydnee Garrett, in The Christmas Tree Guy, is kind of like that. She hadn’t planned on having kids, but when she found out she was having twins, she was ecstatic. She loved the idea of her and her husband (who unfortunately for her, turns out to be a real jerk) creating life together. Taking the best parts of her and him and making two wonderful little boys. (They are a riot and were so much fun to write by the way.)

Me, not so much. My hubby and I were asked just as soon as we walked down the aisle and said I do, (literally, right in the church before we started taking pictures) “So now you can start on the kids, right?”  Uh, could you give me a little bit of time to spend with the man I just promised my life to? Both of us have had the mindset that if it happened, it happened. If not, oh well, more sleep for us. Sleeping late on Saturday mornings is the best, no offense to all those parents out there.

However, I do know that if the hubby and I had been blessed with the cutest crumb snatchers known to man, it may have been quite an adventure and there are a few things I think could have been pretty hilarious to experience.

  • My hubby grew up getting live Christmas trees every year, while I came from a family that used fake ones. It might have been pretty cool to bundle up the little ones and go pick out a live tree. We could have hidden a fake squirrel in the branches and reenacted National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. Squirrel!
  • That first day of kindergarten would have been pretty traumatic for the kid, I’m sure. They would have been terribly ashamed to walk in with me sobbing and clinging to them for dear life at the mere thoughts of leaving them with strangers. My kid would have been like “Just go, already. You are embarrassing me.”
  • And of course, watching them tear into their Christmas and birthday presents would have been awesome too. Especially knowing that my hubby is a practical joker. To watch them tear into the biggest bicycle box he could find, only to dig through mounds of paper and find one pair of new socks wrapped up in a much smaller box would have been a hoot and a half.

So yeah, it’s a very good thing I don’t have kids. The poor things would have been hiding at grandma’s house until they graduated high school.

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